Once there was a competition in a Crocodile farm. The
first person who could jump into the lake and get back to land safely would win
$10 million. Everyone waited for a long time and finally one guy jumped in and
swam for his life to the bank. While everyone was congratulating him as he was
presented his prize money, he was fuming madly : "who the hell pushed
me?" And then he saw his wife was smiling...
😃😃
Moral of the story: behind every successful man there is
a woman who pushes him.😂😂😂😂
Wife: Be specific - Black Label or Chivas?
Ah Beng joke...
Ah Beng standing below a light with open mouth.
Why?
Because his doctor advised him: 'Today's dinner should be
light!' 😃
On a romantic date, Ah Beng' 's gf asked him:
'Darling, On our engagement will you give me a ring?'
He said: 'Sure, What's your phone no.?' 😀
Ah Beng found the answer to the most difficult question
ever.
What will come first, chicken or egg?
He replied, what ever u order first will come first.
A Teacher told all her students to write an essay about a
cricket match.
All the students got busy writing except Ah Beng.
He wrote:'Due To Rain, No Match!' 😀
Ah Beng & wife bought coffee at a shop.
Ah Beng drank it quickly before it got cold.
His wife ask why did he drink it so fast?
Ah Beng: Hot coffee cost $5 & cold cost $10.
He did not sleep d whole night thinking who is the father of the second child. 😝
Manager asked Ah Beng at an interview.
Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?
Ah Beng replied:
P-O-S-T-B-O-X.
😃
After returning from a foreign trip, Ah Beng asked his wife, Do I look like a
foreigner?
Wife: No! But Why?Ah Beng: In London a lady asked me Are you a foreigner?
😁😉
Interviewer: just imagine you are on the 3rd floor, and
it caught fire, how will you escape?
Ah Beng: it's simple. I will stop my Imagination!!!
😝😜✌
Ah Beng enquired about his bill from his mobile provider,
How much?
Call centre girl: Sir, just dial 123 to know your current
bill status.
Ah Beng: Stupid! not my CURRENT BILL, my MOBILE BILL.
🙌👉😭😂✨
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone
is for.
The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes.
When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost
is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30
minutes.
When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost
is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.
Finally Mahathir gets his turn and talks for 4 hours.
When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost
is $5.00.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the
devil why Mahathir got to call Malaysia so cheaply.
The devil smiles and replies: ..
*"Since Najib took over, the Country has gone to
Hell, so it's a local call."*
😂😜👍🙏😂👍👏
"A husband frantically calls the hotel manager from
his hotel room.
"Please come fast with some help. I’m having an
argument with my wife and she says she will jump out of the window”.The manager responded, “Sir that’s a personal matter.”
Boss hired a sexy secretary; 10 days later he committed suicide by jumping from his 27th floor office…….
*Police:* Who was there at that time in the room?
*Secretary:* I was there.
*Police:* What happened? Why did he commit suicide?
*Secretary:* He was a good man. One day he bought me a *fur coat* for $20,000 then he bought me a diamond *necklace* for $150,000 then he bought me a *diamond ring* for $50,000.
Today he asked me to spend the night with him.
I told him I charge $100 a night....and he just went to the window and jumped!
*Moral:*
_Investments are subject to market risk, check the market rate before
investing..._
Ah Beng, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire
himself out as a handyman and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
He went to the first house and asked the owner if he had
any jobs for him to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" the man asked.
Ah Beng said, "How about 50 linggit?" The man agreed and told him that the paint and ladders that he might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and asked her husband, "Does he realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "He should. He was standing on the porch."
A short time later, Ah Beng came to the door to collect his money.
"Sure what," Ah Beng answered, "and I got paint left over, so I give it two coats one."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the RM50.
"And by the way ah," Ah Beng added, "that's not a Porch, is a Fellali."
沒錢時..養豬.
有錢時..養狗.沒錢時..在家吃野菜.
有錢時..在餐廳吃野菜.
沒錢時..在馬路上騎自行車.
有錢時..在客廳上騎自行車.
沒錢時..想結婚.
有錢時..想離婚.
沒錢時..老婆兼秘書.
有錢時..秘書兼老婆.
沒錢時..假裝有錢.
有錢時..假裝沒錢.
人啊..都不說實話!
說股票是毒品..都在玩.
說金錢是罪惡..都在撈!
說美女是禍水..都想要!
說高處不勝寒..都在爬!
說煙.酒傷身體..都不戒!
說天堂最美好..都不去.
男想高..女想瘦.
狗穿衣..人露肉.
鄉下早晨..雞叫人.
都市晩上..人叫雞.
沒事笑一笑!
因為,快樂的心,才是良藥.
追求時：千言萬語
戀愛時：甜言蜜語
求婚時：花言巧語
結婚後：三言兩語
有兒後：不言不語
老年後：自言自語
臨終時：胡言亂語
以前不离不弃的叫夫妻😘
现在不离不弃的是手机😄
一机在手 天长地久😜
机不在手 魂都没有😧
其实古人早已预知😏
并专门设置了一个成语:
机不可失 😅😅😅
"So", he says to them :
"Lingam, I want you to take the houses in Steven Road .."
"Banumathy, take the apartments over in Bukit Timah Estate..."
"Jega, I want you to take the offices over in CBD Central...."
"Lulumali, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings in Tekka"..
The nurse is just so amazed and envious by all this, and as Kuppusamy passes away, she says, "Mrs Lulumali, your husband must have been such a hardworking and rich man to have accumulated all these wealth ...🏤🏨🏢🏫🏠for all of you...
Lulumali replies, "Aiyo ! We deliver newspapers lah!
Ah Beng joke...
Ah Beng standing below a light with open mouth.
Why?
Because his doctor advised him: 'Today's dinner should be light!' 😃
On a romantic date, Ah Beng' 's gf asked him:
'Darling, On our engagement will you give me a ring?'
He said: 'Sure, What's your phone no.?' 😀
Ah Beng found the answer to the most difficult question ever.
What will come first, chicken or egg?
He replied, what ever u order first will come first.
😀
A Teacher told all her students to write an essay about a cricket match.
All the students got busy writing except Ah Beng.
He wrote:'Due To Rain, No Match!' 😀
Ah Beng & wife bought coffee at a shop.
Ah Beng drank it quickly before it got cold.
His wife ask why did he drink it so fast?
Ah Beng: Hot coffee cost $5 & cold cost $10.
😀
What happens when Ah Beng's wife delivers twins????
He did not sleep d whole night thinking who is the father of the second child. 😝
Manager asked Ah Beng at an interview.
Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?
Ah Beng replied:
P-O-S-T-B-O-X.
😃
After returning from a foreign trip, Ah Beng asked his wife,
Do I look like a foreigner?
Wife: No! But Why?
Ah Beng: In London a lady asked me Are you a foreigner?
😁😉
Interviewer: just imagine you are on the 3rd floor, and it caught fire, how will you escape?
Ah Beng: it's simple. I will stop my Imagination!!!
😝😜✌
Ah Beng enquired about his bill from his mobile provider, How much?
Call centre girl: Sir, just dial 123 to know your current bill status.
Ah Beng: Stupid! not my CURRENT BILL, my MOBILE BILL.
🙌👉😭😂✨
Just for laughs…😂
Wife: I’m heading to the store. Do you want anything?
Hubby: I want a sense of meaning & purpose in my life. I seek fulfillment and completeness to my soul. I want to connect to God and discover the spiritual side to me....
Wife: Be specific - Black Label or Chivas?
SALARY INCREMENT
Government announce that if u have 5 kids your salary will be doubled. A man heard this news and said to his wife, i hav a kid with my girlfriend. Im going to bring him and add him to our 4 kids so that my salary can be doubled. When he came back, he found only 1 kid with the wife. He asked the wife where are the other 3 kids? The wife replied ""you are not the only one who heard the news. THEIR FATHERS HAVE COME TO FETCH THEM AS WELL.
Dont laugh alone..Let the other people also laugh with you, so forward...
MALAYSIAN ASTRONAUTS
American Spaceman is called Astronaut
Russian Spaceman is called Cosmonaut
Chinese Spaceman is called Taikonaut
Malaysian Spaceman??? - Can-or-naut
Datuk Najib was thinking about sending somebody
into space. Three potential can-or-nauts were
called for an interview - one Indian, one Malay
and one Chinese.
Najib interviews the Indian first: "So,
Muthu, this is a dangerous mission.
How much do you think you should be paid?"
Muthu replied: "Ten million ringgit."
"Why so much?" asks Najib.
"Very dangerous mission, Datuk. Maybe no come
back!" replied Muthu.
"That's understandable," says Najib. "Thank you..
Please ask the Malay guy to come here,"
So the Malay walks up, and is asked the same question.
"Alamak!...20 million, Datuk," replied the Malay candidate.
"Twenty million? That's twice as much! Even the aneh before you
asked for only ten million."
"You see, Datuk," explains Mat, "I have 4
wives and 15 children ... With 20 of us, it is a big
family to support when I am gone...!"
"I see," says D.Najib. "Okay, can you ask that Chinese guy to come then?"
The Chinese guy comes in and Najib asks, "Ah Chong,
given this is a very risky mission, how much do you want?"
Ah Chong thinks for a while, and says, "30 million."
Najib appears shocked. "What?!? 30 million!
Why so much?"
Ah Chong beckons Najib to come closer.
He quietly whispers into his ear,
"Datuk, you take 10 million, i take 10 million,
and then use the extra ten million, send that aneh to space lah!"
And...the Muthu was finally sent out to space.....😰
Height of internet addiction
At a funeral.....
A visitor: What's the WiFi password here?
Priest: respect the dead
Visitor: all small letters?
Trump's first day at the Oval Office after being elected President.*
First briefing by the CIA, Pentagon, FBI:
Trump: We must destroy ISIS immediately. No delays.
CIA: We cannot do that, sir. We created them along with Turkey, Saudi, Qatar and others.
Trump: The Democrats created them.
CIA: We created ISIS, sir. You need them or else you would lose funding from the natural gas lobby.
Trump: Stop funding Pakistan. Let India deal with them.
CIA: We can't do that.
Trump: Why is that?
CIA: India will cut Balochistan out of Pak.
Trump: I don't care.
CIA: India will have peace in Kashmir. They will stop buying our weapons. They will become a superpower. We have to fund Pakistan to keep India busy in Kashmir.
Trump: But you have to destroy the Taliban.
CIA: Sir, we can't do that. We created the Taliban to keep Russia in check during the 80s. Now they are keeping Pakistan busy and away from their nukes.
Trump: We have to destroy terror sponsoring regimes in the Middle East. Let us start with the Saudis.
Pentagon: Sir, we can't do that. We created those regimes because we wanted their oil. We can't have democracy there, otherwise their people will get that oil - and we cannot let their people own it.
Trump: Then, let us invade Iran.
Pentagon: We cannot do that either, sir.
Trump: Why not?
CIA: We are talking to them, sir.
Trump: What? Why?
CIA: We want our Stealth Drones back. If we attack them, Russia will obliterate us as they did to our buddy ISIS in Syria. Besides we need Iran to keep Israel in check.
Trump: Then let us invade Iraq again.
CIA: Sir, our friends (ISIS) are already occupying 1/3rd of Iraq.
Trump: Why not the whole of Iraq?
CIA: We need the Shi'ite govt of Iraq to keep ISIS in check.
Trump: I am banning Muslims from entering US.
FBI: We can't do that.
Trump: Why not?
FBI: Then our own population will become fearless.
Trump: I am deporting all illegal immigrants to south of the border.
Border patrol: You can't do that, sir.
Trump: Why not?
Border patrol: If they're gone, who will build the wall?
Trump: I am banning H1B visas.
USCIS: You cannot do that.
Trump: Why?
Chief of Staff: If you do so, we'll have to outsource White House operations to Bangalore. Which is in India.
CIA: Enjoy the White House, sir! We will take care of the rest!
The US
Presidential choice
is now all about choosing
between ....
the
one who was weak with
E-mails and theone who was weak with Fe-males....!!!
GOD BLESS AMERICA
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