Monday, November 14, 2016

Doc advice - I love this d

I Love this DOCTOR!!!!

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"

I am the 7%

* I am the "7%"*

_This is something we should all read at least once a week!!!!! Make sure you read to the end!!!!!!_

_Written by *Regina Brett*, 90 years old, of the Plain b Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio_

_To celebrate growing older, I once wrote few lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written._

1. *Life isn't fair, but it's still good.*

2. *When in doubt, just take the next small step.*

3. *Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.*

4. *You don't have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.*

5. *Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.*

6. *It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.*

7. *Make peace with your past so it won't mess up the present.*

8. *Don't compare your life to others.  You have no idea what their journey is all about.*

9. *Take a deep breath every now and then. It calms the mind.*

10. *Get rid of anything that isn't useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways.*

11. *Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.*

12. *It's never too late to be happy. But it’s all up to you and no one else.*

13. *When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.*

14. *Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy clothes. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.*

15. *No one is in charge of your happiness but you.*

16. *Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'*

17. *Always choose life.*

18. *Forgive others and yourself.*

19. *What other people think of you is none of your business.*

20. *Time heals almost everything. Give time a little time.*

21. *However good or bad a situation is, it will change.*

22. *Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.*

23. *Believe in miracles.*

24. *God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.*

25. *Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.*

26. *Growing old beats the alternative of dying young.*

27. *Your children get only one childhood.*

28. *All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.*

29. *Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.*

30. *Envy is waste of time. Accept what you already have, not what you need.*

31. *The best is yet to come...*

32. *No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.*

33. *Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."*

_Its estimated that 93% won't share this. If you are one of the *7%* who will, share this with the title '7%'._

_I'm in the 7%. Friends are the family and family is best friends that you choose._

*Its worth reading again & again, as & when you can.*
๐Ÿ˜Š

Dirty thoughts & jokes


 
 
  life is ๐Ÿ‘™PORNOGRAPHY๐Ÿ‘™

๐ŸŒž๐Ÿ”ณVirginity is like a Balloon๐ŸŽˆ, One prick๐Ÿ‘ˆ and it's gone for ever!

 ๐Ÿ”ณSex is like a pack of Chips๐ŸŸ, Once you start! You can't stop๐Ÿ˜!

 ๐Ÿ”ณAn Exam paper๐Ÿ“ is like a Dick ๐ŸŒ, When it's hard! People get fucked!๐ŸŽ

 ๐Ÿ”ณEducation๐Ÿจ is like hiring a prostitute๐Ÿ’ƒ, It needs both your money๐Ÿ’ฐ and your hardwork ๐Ÿ˜“...๐Ÿ‘ค!

 ๐Ÿ”ณ๐Ÿ’ฐ๐Ÿ’ณSuccess is like masturbating, Only your own hand๐Ÿ‘‹ can let you achieve it!

 ๐Ÿ”ณLife without Friends is like Boobs Without Nipples. IT'S POINTLESS !๐Ÿ‘™๐Ÿ‘™

 ๐Ÿ”ณ Fuck a woman and she Loves you. When u Love a woman she Fucks you.๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜ณ

 ๐Ÿ”ณMBBS Final Exam question paper: Fill in the blanks. If a woman faints, we must first check her pu_s_. Only few students who wrote: 'Pulse' passed.๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜œ

๐Ÿ”ณThe saddest part of a Man's body is his Balls. They are sentenced to Hang Till Death!๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜

 ๐Ÿ”ณBoy: How much Calcium is there in women's BREASTS?

Girl: It's Enough to help a Man's Boneless Thing stand up๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜œ

๐Ÿ”ณGive an example of Total Business Failure due to Negligence. A Pregnant Prostitute๐Ÿ˜ฐ๐Ÿ˜ฐ

๐Ÿ”ณIf Necessity is the Mother of Invention, Then Frustration is the Father of Masturbation! ๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ˜‰

 ๐Ÿ”ณIf your Boss says: Nothing is Impossible,  ask him to wear condom after sex!๐Ÿ’„๐Ÿ˜ฑ

So basically life is ๐Ÿ‘™PORNOGRAPHY๐Ÿ‘™

Jokes of this season


Once there was a competition in a Crocodile farm. The first person who could jump into the lake and get back to land safely would win $10 million. Everyone waited for a long time and finally one guy jumped in and swam for his life to the bank. While everyone was congratulating him as he was presented his prize money, he was fuming madly : "who the hell pushed me?" And then he saw his wife was smiling...
 

๐Ÿ˜ƒ๐Ÿ˜ƒ

Moral of the story: behind every successful man there is a woman who pushes him.๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

 Wife: I’m heading to the store. Do you want anything?

 Hubby:  I want a sense of meaning & purpose in my life. I seek fulfillment and completeness to my soul. I want to connect to God and discover the spiritual side to me....

Wife: Be specific - Black Label or Chivas?

Ah Beng joke...

Ah Beng standing below a light with open mouth.

Why?

Because his doctor advised him: 'Today's dinner should be light!'  ๐Ÿ˜ƒ

On a romantic date, Ah Beng' 's gf asked him:

'Darling, On our engagement will you give me a ring?'

He said: 'Sure, What's your phone no.?'   ๐Ÿ˜€

 

Ah Beng found the answer to the most difficult question ever.

What will come first, chicken or egg?

He replied, what ever u order first will come first.


A Teacher told all her students to write an essay about a cricket match.

All the students got busy writing except Ah Beng.

He wrote:'Due To Rain, No Match!'    ๐Ÿ˜€

 
Ah Beng & wife bought coffee at a shop.

Ah Beng drank it quickly before it got cold.

His wife ask why did he drink it so fast?

Ah Beng: Hot coffee cost $5 & cold cost $10.

 
What happens when Ah Beng's wife delivers twins????
He did not sleep d whole night thinking who is the father of the second child. ๐Ÿ˜
Manager asked Ah Beng at an interview.
Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?

Ah Beng replied:

P-O-S-T-B-O-X.

๐Ÿ˜ƒ

 

After returning from a foreign trip,  Ah Beng asked his wife, Do I look like a foreigner?
Wife: No! But Why?
Ah Beng: In London a lady asked me Are you a foreigner?

๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜‰

 

Interviewer: just imagine you are on the 3rd floor, and it caught fire, how will you escape?
Ah Beng: it's simple. I will stop my Imagination!!!

๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜œ✌

 

Ah Beng enquired about his bill from his mobile provider, How much?

Call centre girl: Sir, just dial 123 to know your current bill status.

Ah Beng: Stupid! not my CURRENT BILL, my MOBILE BILL.

๐Ÿ™Œ๐Ÿ‘‰๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜‚✨

 Just for laughs…๐Ÿ˜‚

 Just sharing ....

 Mahathir, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.

The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes.

When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes.

When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally Mahathir gets his turn and talks for 4 hours.

When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Mahathir got to call Malaysia so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies: ..

*"Since Najib took over, the Country has gone to Hell, so it's a local call."*

๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘


"A husband frantically calls the hotel manager from his hotel room.
"Please come fast with some help. I’m having an argument with my wife and she says she will jump out of the window”.
The manager responded, “Sir that’s a personal matter.”
 Husband replied,  “The window won’t open! That’s a maintenance matter!”

Boss hired a sexy secretary; 10 days later he committed suicide by jumping from his 27th floor office…….
*Police:* Who was there at that time in the room?
*Secretary:* I was there.
*Police:* What happened? Why did he commit suicide?
*Secretary:* He was a good man. One day he bought me a *fur coat* for $20,000 then he bought me a diamond *necklace* for $150,000 then he bought me a *diamond ring* for $50,000.
Today he asked me to spend the night with him.
I told him I charge $100 a night....and he just went to the window and jumped!

 *Moral:* _Investments are subject to market risk, check the market rate before investing..._

 

 

Ah Beng, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire himself out as a handyman and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
He went to the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for him to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" the man asked.
Ah Beng said, "How about 50 linggit?" The man agreed and told him that the paint and ladders that he might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and asked her husband, "Does he realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "He should. He was standing on the porch."
A short time later, Ah Beng came to the door to collect his money.
You're finished already?" the man asked in surprise.
"Sure what," Ah Beng answered, "and I got paint left over, so I give it two coats one."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the RM50.
"And by the way ah," Ah Beng added, "that's not a Porch, is a Fellali."

 
MID WEEK JOKES
 
ๆฒ’้Œขๆ™‚..้คŠ่ฑฌ.
ๆœ‰้Œขๆ™‚..้คŠ็‹—.
ๆฒ’้Œขๆ™‚..ๅœจๅฎถๅƒ้‡Ž่œ.
ๆœ‰้Œขๆ™‚..ๅœจ้คๅปณๅƒ้‡Ž่œ.
ๆฒ’้Œขๆ™‚..ๅœจ้ฆฌ่ทฏไธŠ้จŽ่‡ช่กŒ่ปŠ.
ๆœ‰้Œขๆ™‚..ๅœจๅฎขๅปณไธŠ้จŽ่‡ช่กŒ่ปŠ.
ๆฒ’้Œขๆ™‚..ๆƒณ็ตๅฉš.
ๆœ‰้Œขๆ™‚..ๆƒณ้›ขๅฉš.
ๆฒ’้Œขๆ™‚..่€ๅฉ†ๅ…ผ็ง˜ๆ›ธ.
ๆœ‰้Œขๆ™‚..็ง˜ๆ›ธๅ…ผ่€ๅฉ†.
ๆฒ’้Œขๆ™‚..ๅ‡่ฃๆœ‰้Œข.
ๆœ‰้Œขๆ™‚..ๅ‡่ฃๆฒ’้Œข.
ไบบๅ•Š..้ƒฝไธ่ชชๅฏฆ่ฉฑ!
่ชช่‚ก็ฅจๆ˜ฏๆฏ’ๅ“..้ƒฝๅœจ็Žฉ.
่ชช้‡‘้Œขๆ˜ฏ็ฝชๆƒก..้ƒฝๅœจๆ’ˆ!
่ชช็พŽๅฅณๆ˜ฏ็ฆๆฐด..้ƒฝๆƒณ่ฆ!
่ชช้ซ˜่™•ไธๅ‹ๅฏ’..้ƒฝๅœจ็ˆฌ!
่ชช็…™.้…’ๅ‚ท่บซ้ซ”..้ƒฝไธๆˆ’!
่ชชๅคฉๅ ‚ๆœ€็พŽๅฅฝ..้ƒฝไธๅŽป.
็”ทๆƒณ้ซ˜..ๅฅณๆƒณ็˜ฆ.
็‹—็ฉฟ่กฃ..ไบบ้œฒ่‚‰.
้„‰ไธ‹ๆ—ฉๆ™จ..้›žๅซไบบ.
้ƒฝๅธ‚ๆ™ฉไธŠ..ไบบๅซ้›ž.
ๆฒ’ไบ‹็ฌ‘ไธ€็ฌ‘!
ๅ› ็‚บ,ๅฟซๆจ‚็š„ๅฟƒ,ๆ‰ๆ˜ฏ่‰ฏ่—ฅ.
่ฟฝๆฑ‚ๆ™‚:ๅƒ่จ€่ฌ่ชž
ๆˆ€ๆ„›ๆ™‚:็”œ่จ€่œœ่ชž
ๆฑ‚ๅฉšๆ™‚:่Šฑ่จ€ๅทง่ชž
็ตๅฉšๅพŒ:ไธ‰่จ€ๅ…ฉ่ชž
ๆœ‰ๅ…’ๅพŒ:ไธ่จ€ไธ่ชž
่€ๅนดๅพŒ:่‡ช่จ€่‡ช่ชž
่‡จ็ต‚ๆ™‚:่ƒก่จ€ไบ‚่ชž
ไปฅๅ‰ไธ็ฆปไธๅผƒ็š„ๅซๅคซๅฆป๐Ÿ˜˜
็Žฐๅœจไธ็ฆปไธๅผƒ็š„ๆ˜ฏๆ‰‹ๆœบ๐Ÿ˜„
ไธ€ๆœบๅœจๆ‰‹  ๅคฉ้•ฟๅœฐไน…๐Ÿ˜œ
ๆœบไธๅœจๆ‰‹  ้ญ‚้ƒฝๆฒกๆœ‰๐Ÿ˜ง
ๅ…ถๅฎžๅคไบบๆ—ฉๅทฒ้ข„็Ÿฅ๐Ÿ˜
ๅนถไธ“้—จ่ฎพ็ฝฎไบ†ไธ€ไธชๆˆ่ฏญ:
ๆœบไธๅฏๅคฑ ๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ˜…

 
Kuppusamy  is on his deathbed. He asked his nurse to be a witness to his will.
His wife, his daughter and two sons are at his bedside, all grieving ๐Ÿ˜ฉ๐Ÿ˜ซ...
"So", he says to them :
"Lingam, I want you to take the houses in Steven Road .."
"Banumathy, take the apartments over in Bukit Timah Estate..."
"Jega, I want you to take the offices over in CBD Central...."
"Lulumali, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings in Tekka"..
The nurse is just so amazed and envious by all this, and as Kuppusamy passes away, she says, "Mrs Lulumali, your husband must have been such a hardworking and rich man to have accumulated all these  wealth ...๐Ÿค๐Ÿจ๐Ÿข๐Ÿซ๐Ÿ for all of you...
Lulumali replies,  "Aiyo ! We deliver newspapers lah!

Ah Beng joke...

Ah Beng standing below a light with open mouth.
Why?
Because his doctor advised him: 'Today's dinner should be light!'  
๐Ÿ˜ƒ

On a romantic date, Ah Beng' 's gf asked him:
'Darling, On our engagement will you give me a ring?'
He said: 'Sure, What's your phone no.?'   
๐Ÿ˜€

Ah Beng found the answer to the most difficult question ever.
What will come first, chicken or egg?
He replied, what ever u order first will come first.
๐Ÿ˜€

A Teacher told all her students to write an essay about a cricket match.
All the students got busy writing except Ah Beng.
He wrote:'Due To Rain, No Match!'    
๐Ÿ˜€

Ah Beng & wife bought coffee at a shop.
Ah Beng drank it quickly before it got cold.
His wife ask why did he drink it so fast?
Ah Beng: Hot coffee cost $5 & cold cost $10.
๐Ÿ˜€

What happens when Ah Beng's wife delivers twins????
He did not sleep d whole night thinking who is the father of the second child.
๐Ÿ˜

Manager asked Ah Beng at an interview.
Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?
Ah Beng replied:
P-O-S-T-B-O-X.
๐Ÿ˜ƒ

After returning from a foreign trip,  Ah Beng asked his wife,
Do I look like a foreigner?
Wife: No! But Why?
Ah Beng: In London a lady asked me Are you a foreigner?
๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜‰

Interviewer: just imagine you are on the 3rd floor, and it caught fire, how will you escape?
Ah Beng: it's simple. I will stop my Imagination!!!
๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜œ✌

Ah Beng enquired about his bill from his mobile provider, How much?
Call centre girl: Sir, just dial 123 to know your current bill status.
Ah Beng: Stupid! not my CURRENT BILL, my MOBILE BILL.
๐Ÿ™Œ๐Ÿ‘‰๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜‚✨


Just for laughs…
๐Ÿ˜‚

Wife: I’m heading to the store. Do you want anything?

Hubby:  I want a sense of meaning & purpose in my life. I seek fulfillment and completeness to my soul. I want to connect to God and discover the spiritual side to me....

Wife: Be specific - Black Label or Chivas?

SALARY INCREMENT
Government announce that if u have 5 kids your salary will be doubled. A man heard this news and said to his wife, i hav a kid with my girlfriend. Im going to bring him and add him to our 4 kids so that my salary can be doubled. When he came back, he found only 1 kid with the wife. He asked the wife where are the other 3 kids? The wife replied ""you are not the only one who heard the news. THEIR FATHERS HAVE COME TO FETCH THEM AS WELL.

Dont laugh alone..Let the other people also laugh with you, so forward...


MALAYSIAN ASTRONAUTS


American Spaceman is called Astronaut
Russian Spaceman is called Cosmonaut
Chinese Spaceman is called Taikonaut
Malaysian Spaceman??? - Can-or-naut

Datuk Najib was thinking about sending somebody
into space. Three potential can-or-nauts were
called for an interview - one Indian, one Malay
and one Chinese.

Najib interviews the Indian first: "So,
Muthu, this is a dangerous mission.
How much do you think you should be paid?"
Muthu replied: "Ten million ringgit."
"Why so much?" asks Najib.
"Very dangerous mission, Datuk. Maybe no come
back!" replied Muthu.
"That's understandable," says Najib. "Thank you..

Please ask the Malay guy to come here,"
So the Malay walks up, and is asked the same question.
"Alamak!...20 million, Datuk," replied the Malay candidate.
"Twenty million? That's twice as much! Even the aneh before you
asked for only ten million."
"You see, Datuk," explains Mat, "I have 4
wives and 15 children ... With 20 of us, it is a big
family to support when I am gone...!"
"I see," says D.Najib. "Okay, can you ask that Chinese guy to come then?"

The Chinese guy comes in and Najib asks, "Ah Chong,
given this is a very risky mission, how much do you want?"
Ah Chong thinks for a while, and says, "30 million."
Najib appears shocked. "What?!? 30 million!
Why so much?"
Ah Chong beckons Najib to come closer.
He quietly whispers into his ear,
"Datuk, you take 10 million, i take 10 million,
and then use the extra ten million, send that aneh to space lah!"

And...the Muthu was finally sent out to space.....
๐Ÿ˜ฐ


Height of internet addiction

At a funeral.....

A visitor: What's the WiFi password here?

Priest: respect the dead

Visitor: all small letters?



Trump's first day at the Oval Office after being elected President.*

First briefing by the CIA, Pentagon, FBI:

Trump: We must destroy ISIS immediately. No delays.

CIA: We cannot do that, sir. We created them along with Turkey, Saudi, Qatar and others.

Trump: The Democrats created them.

CIA: We created ISIS, sir. You need them or else you would lose funding from the natural gas lobby.

Trump: Stop funding Pakistan. Let India deal with them.

CIA: We can't do that.

Trump: Why is that?

CIA: India will cut Balochistan out of Pak.

Trump: I don't care.

CIA: India will have peace in Kashmir. They will stop buying our weapons. They will become a superpower. We have to fund Pakistan to keep India busy in Kashmir.

Trump: But you have to destroy the Taliban.

CIA: Sir, we can't do that. We created the Taliban to keep Russia in check during the 80s. Now they are keeping Pakistan busy and away from their nukes.

Trump: We have to destroy terror sponsoring regimes in the Middle East. Let us start with the Saudis.

Pentagon: Sir, we can't do that. We created those regimes because we wanted their oil. We can't have democracy there, otherwise their people will get that oil - and we cannot let their people own it.

Trump: Then, let us invade Iran.

Pentagon: We cannot do that either, sir.

Trump: Why not?

CIA: We are talking to them, sir.

Trump: What? Why?

CIA: We want our Stealth Drones back. If we attack them, Russia will obliterate us as they did to our buddy ISIS in Syria. Besides we need Iran to keep Israel in check.

Trump: Then let us invade Iraq again.

CIA: Sir, our friends (ISIS) are already occupying 1/3rd of Iraq.

Trump: Why not the whole of Iraq?

CIA: We need the Shi'ite govt of Iraq to keep ISIS in check.

Trump: I am banning Muslims from entering US.

FBI: We can't do that.

Trump: Why not?

FBI: Then our own population will become fearless.

Trump: I am deporting all illegal immigrants to south of the border.

Border patrol: You can't do that, sir.

Trump: Why not?

Border patrol: If they're gone, who will build the wall?

Trump: I am banning H1B visas.

USCIS: You cannot do that.

Trump: Why?

Chief of Staff: If you do so, we'll have to outsource White House operations to Bangalore. Which is in India.

Trump (sweating profusely by now): What the hell should I do as President???
CIA: Enjoy the White House, sir! We will take care of the rest!



The US Presidential choice is now all about choosing between ....
the one who was weak with E-mails and the
one who was weak with Fe-males....!!!
GOD BLESS AMERICA