Once there was a competition in a Crocodile farm. The
first person who could jump into the lake and get back to land safely would win
$10 million. Everyone waited for a long time and finally one guy jumped in and
swam for his life to the bank. While everyone was congratulating him as he was
presented his prize money, he was fuming madly : "who the hell pushed
me?" And then he saw his wife was smiling...
ðð
Moral of the story: behind every successful man there is
a woman who pushes him.ðððð
Wife: I’m heading to the store. Do you want anything?
Hubby: I want a
sense of meaning & purpose in my life. I seek fulfillment and completeness
to my soul. I want to connect to God and discover the spiritual side to me....
Wife: Be specific - Black Label or Chivas?
Ah Beng joke...
Ah Beng standing below a light with open mouth.
Why?
Because his doctor advised him: 'Today's dinner should be
light!' ð
On a romantic date, Ah Beng' 's gf asked him:
'Darling, On our engagement will you give me a ring?'
He said: 'Sure, What's your phone no.?' ð
Ah Beng found the answer to the most difficult question
ever.
What will come first, chicken or egg?
He replied, what ever u order first will come first.
A Teacher told all her students to write an essay about a
cricket match.
All the students got busy writing except Ah Beng.
He wrote:'Due To Rain, No Match!' ð
Ah Beng & wife bought coffee at a shop.
Ah Beng drank it quickly before it got cold.
His wife ask why did he drink it so fast?
Ah Beng: Hot coffee cost $5 & cold cost $10.
What happens when Ah Beng's wife delivers twins????
He did not sleep d whole night thinking who is the father
of the second child. ð
Manager asked Ah Beng at an interview.
Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in
it?
Ah Beng replied:
P-O-S-T-B-O-X.
ð
After returning from a foreign trip, Ah Beng asked his wife, Do I look like a
foreigner?
Wife: No! But Why?
Ah Beng: In London a lady asked me Are you a foreigner?
ðð
Interviewer: just imagine you are on the 3rd floor, and
it caught fire, how will you escape?
Ah Beng: it's simple. I will stop my Imagination!!!
ðð✌
Ah Beng enquired about his bill from his mobile provider,
How much?
Call centre girl: Sir, just dial 123 to know your current
bill status.
Ah Beng: Stupid! not my CURRENT BILL, my MOBILE BILL.
ðððð✨
Just for laughs…ð
Just sharing ....
Mahathir, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and
go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone
is for.
The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes.
When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost
is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30
minutes.
When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost
is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.
Finally Mahathir gets his turn and talks for 4 hours.
When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost
is $5.00.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the
devil why Mahathir got to call Malaysia so cheaply.
The devil smiles and replies: ..
*"Since Najib took over, the Country has gone to
Hell, so it's a local call."*
ððððððð
"A husband frantically calls the hotel manager from
his hotel room.
"Please come fast with some help. I’m having an
argument with my wife and she says she will jump out of the window”.
The manager responded, “Sir that’s a personal matter.”
Husband replied,
“The window won’t open! That’s a maintenance matter!”
Boss hired a sexy secretary; 10 days later he committed
suicide by jumping from his 27th floor office…….
*Police:* Who was there at that time in the room?
*Secretary:* I was there.
*Police:* What happened? Why did he commit suicide?
*Secretary:* He was a good man. One day he bought me a
*fur coat* for $20,000 then he bought me a diamond *necklace* for $150,000 then
he bought me a *diamond ring* for $50,000.
Today he asked me to spend the night with him.
I told him I charge $100 a night....and he just went to
the window and jumped!
*Moral:*
_Investments are subject to market risk, check the market rate before
investing..._
Ah Beng, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire
himself out as a handyman and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
He went to the first house and asked the owner if he had
any jobs for him to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you
charge?" the man asked.
Ah Beng said, "How about 50 linggit?" The man
agreed and told him that the paint and ladders that he might need were in the
garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation
and asked her husband, "Does he realize that the porch goes all the way
around the house?"
The man replied, "He should. He was standing on the
porch."
A short time later, Ah Beng came to the door to collect
his money.
" You're finished already?" the man asked in
surprise.
"Sure what," Ah Beng answered, "and I got
paint left over, so I give it two coats one."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the RM50.
"And by the way ah," Ah Beng added,
"that's not a Porch, is a Fellali."
MID WEEK JOKES
æēéĒæ..éĪ蹎.
æéĒæ..éĪį.
æēéĒæ..åĻåŪķåéč.
æéĒæ..åĻéĪåŧģåéč.
æēéĒæ..åĻéĶŽč·ŊäļéĻčŠčĄčŧ.
æéĒæ..åĻåŪĒåŧģäļéĻčŠčĄčŧ.
æēéĒæ..æģįĩåĐ.
æéĒæ..æģéĒåĐ.
æēéĒæ..čåĐå
žį§æļ.
æéĒæ..į§æļå
žčåĐ.
æēéĒæ..åčĢæéĒ.
æéĒæ..åčĢæēéĒ.
äššå..é―äļ芊åŊĶčĐą!
芊čĄįĨĻæŊæŊå..é―åĻįĐ.
芊ééĒæŊį―ŠæĄ..é―åĻæ!
芊įūåĨģæŊįĶæ°ī..é―æģčĶ!
芊éŦčäļååŊ..é―åĻįŽ!
芊į
.é
å·čšŦéŦ..é―äļæ!
芊åĪĐå æįūåĨ―..é―äļåŧ.
į·æģéŦ..åĨģæģįĶ.
įįĐŋčĄĢ..äššéēč.
éäļæĐæĻ..éåŦäšš.
é―åļæĐäļ..äššåŦé.
æēäšįŽäļįŽ!
å įš,åŋŦæĻįåŋ,ææŊčŊčĨ.
čŋ―æąæ：åčĻčŽčŠ
æææ：įčĻččŠ
æąåĐæ：čąčĻå·§čŠ
įĩåĐåū：äļčĻå
ĐčŠ
æå
åū：äļčĻäļčŠ
čåđīåū：čŠčĻčŠčŠ
čĻįĩæ：čĄčĻäščŠ
äŧĨåäļįĶŧäļåžįåŦåĪŦåĶŧð
į°åĻäļįĶŧäļåžįæŊææšð
äļæšåĻæ åĪĐéŋå°äđ
ð
æšäļåĻæ éé―æēĄæð§
å
ķåŪåĪäššæĐå·ēéĒįĨð
åđķäļéĻčŪūį―ŪäšäļäļŠæčŊ:
æšäļåŊåĪą
ð
ð
ð
Kuppusamy is on
his deathbed. He asked his nurse to be a witness to his will.
His wife, his daughter and two sons are at his bedside,
all grieving ðĐðŦ...
"So", he says to them :
"Lingam, I want you to take the houses in Steven
Road .."
"Banumathy, take the apartments over in Bukit Timah
Estate..."
"Jega, I want you to take the offices over in CBD
Central...."
"Lulumali, my dear wife, please take all the
residential buildings in Tekka"..
The nurse is just so amazed and envious by all this, and
as Kuppusamy passes away, she says, "Mrs Lulumali, your husband must have
been such a hardworking and rich man to have accumulated all these wealth ...ðĪðĻðĒðŦð for
all of you...
Lulumali replies, "Aiyo ! We deliver newspapers lah!
Ah
Beng joke...
Ah Beng standing below a light with open mouth.
Why?
Because his doctor advised him: 'Today's dinner should be light!' ð
On a romantic date, Ah Beng' 's gf asked him:
'Darling, On our engagement will you give me a ring?'
He said: 'Sure, What's your phone no.?' ð
Ah Beng found the answer to the most difficult question ever.
What will come first, chicken or egg?
He replied, what ever u order first will come first.
ð
A Teacher told all her students to write an essay about a cricket match.
All the students got busy writing except Ah Beng.
He wrote:'Due To Rain, No Match!' ð
Ah Beng & wife bought coffee at a shop.
Ah Beng drank it quickly before it got cold.
His wife ask why did he drink it so fast?
Ah Beng: Hot coffee cost $5 & cold cost $10.
ð
What happens when Ah Beng's wife delivers twins????
He did not sleep d whole night thinking who is the father of the second child. ð
Manager asked Ah Beng at an interview.
Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?
Ah Beng replied:
P-O-S-T-B-O-X.
ð
After returning from a foreign trip, Ah Beng asked his wife,
Do I look like a foreigner?
Wife: No! But Why?
Ah Beng: In London a lady asked me Are you a foreigner?
ðð
Interviewer: just imagine you are on the 3rd floor, and it caught fire, how
will you escape?
Ah Beng: it's simple. I will stop my Imagination!!!
ðð✌
Ah Beng enquired about his bill from his mobile provider, How much?
Call centre girl: Sir, just dial 123 to know your current bill status.
Ah Beng: Stupid! not my CURRENT BILL, my MOBILE BILL.
ðððð✨
Just for laughs…ð
Wife: I’m heading to the store. Do you want anything?
Hubby: I want a sense of meaning & purpose in my life. I seek
fulfillment and completeness to my soul. I want to connect to God and discover
the spiritual side to me....
Wife: Be specific - Black Label or Chivas?
SALARY INCREMENT
Government announce that if u have 5 kids your salary will be doubled. A man
heard this news and said to his wife, i hav a kid with my girlfriend. Im going
to bring him and add him to our 4 kids so that my salary can be doubled. When
he came back, he found only 1 kid with the wife. He asked the wife where are
the other 3 kids? The wife replied ""you are not the only one who
heard the news. THEIR FATHERS HAVE COME TO FETCH THEM AS WELL.
Dont laugh alone..Let the other people also laugh with you, so forward...
MALAYSIAN ASTRONAUTS
American Spaceman is called Astronaut
Russian Spaceman is called Cosmonaut
Chinese Spaceman is called Taikonaut
Malaysian Spaceman??? - Can-or-naut
Datuk Najib was thinking about sending somebody
into space. Three potential can-or-nauts were
called for an interview - one Indian, one Malay
and one Chinese.
Najib interviews the Indian first: "So,
Muthu, this is a dangerous mission.
How much do you think you should be paid?"
Muthu replied: "Ten million ringgit."
"Why so much?" asks Najib.
"Very dangerous mission, Datuk. Maybe no come
back!" replied Muthu.
"That's understandable," says Najib. "Thank you..
Please ask the Malay guy to come here,"
So the Malay walks up, and is asked the same question.
"Alamak!...20 million, Datuk," replied the Malay candidate.
"Twenty million? That's twice as much! Even the aneh before you
asked for only ten million."
"You see, Datuk," explains Mat, "I have 4
wives and 15 children ... With 20 of us, it is a big
family to support when I am gone...!"
"I see," says D.Najib. "Okay, can you ask that Chinese guy to
come then?"
The Chinese guy comes in and Najib asks, "Ah Chong,
given this is a very risky mission, how much do you want?"
Ah Chong thinks for a while, and says, "30 million."
Najib appears shocked. "What?!? 30 million!
Why so much?"
Ah Chong beckons Najib to come closer.
He quietly whispers into his ear,
"Datuk, you take 10 million, i take 10 million,
and then use the extra ten million, send that aneh to space lah!"
And...the Muthu was finally sent out to space.....ð°
Height of internet addiction
At a funeral.....
A visitor: What's the WiFi password here?
Priest: respect the dead
Visitor: all small letters?
Trump's first day at the Oval Office after being elected President.*
First briefing by the CIA, Pentagon, FBI:
Trump: We must destroy ISIS immediately. No delays.
CIA: We cannot do that, sir. We created them along with Turkey, Saudi, Qatar
and others.
Trump: The Democrats created them.
CIA: We created ISIS, sir. You need them or else you would lose funding from
the natural gas lobby.
Trump: Stop funding Pakistan. Let India deal with them.
CIA: We can't do that.
Trump: Why is that?
CIA: India will cut Balochistan out of Pak.
Trump: I don't care.
CIA: India will have peace in Kashmir. They will stop buying our weapons. They
will become a superpower. We have to fund Pakistan to keep India busy in
Kashmir.
Trump: But you have to destroy the Taliban.
CIA: Sir, we can't do that. We created the Taliban to keep Russia in check
during the 80s. Now they are keeping Pakistan busy and away from their nukes.
Trump: We have to destroy terror sponsoring regimes in the Middle East. Let us
start with the Saudis.
Pentagon: Sir, we can't do that. We created those regimes because we wanted
their oil. We can't have democracy there, otherwise their people will get that
oil - and we cannot let their people own it.
Trump: Then, let us invade Iran.
Pentagon: We cannot do that either, sir.
Trump: Why not?
CIA: We are talking to them, sir.
Trump: What? Why?
CIA: We want our Stealth Drones back. If we attack them, Russia will obliterate
us as they did to our buddy ISIS in Syria. Besides we need Iran to keep Israel
in check.
Trump: Then let us invade Iraq again.
CIA: Sir, our friends (ISIS) are already occupying 1/3rd of Iraq.
Trump: Why not the whole of Iraq?
CIA: We need the Shi'ite govt of Iraq to keep ISIS in check.
Trump: I am banning Muslims from entering US.
FBI: We can't do that.
Trump: Why not?
FBI: Then our own population will become fearless.
Trump: I am deporting all illegal immigrants to south of the border.
Border patrol: You can't do that, sir.
Trump: Why not?
Border patrol: If they're gone, who will build the wall?
Trump: I am banning H1B visas.
USCIS: You cannot do that.
Trump: Why?
Chief of Staff: If you do so, we'll have to outsource White House operations to
Bangalore. Which is in India.
Trump (sweating profusely by now):
What the hell should I do as President???
CIA: Enjoy the White House, sir! We will take care of the rest!
The US
Presidential choice
is now all about choosing
between ....
the
one who was weak with
E-mails and the
one
who was weak with
Fe-males....!!!
GOD
BLESS AMERICA
